I wrote a blog post a little while ago on the struggle of breaking up. The response I received from writing this post was really incredible. In that, so many women reached out and asked me HOW I am moving through it, so I thought it would be best to write about it. What’s that saying – if you’re questioning something then other people are as well? Something like that. So, I figured if a ton of women are asking for help, there are more who haven’t yet.
To those going through a break-up: I see you, I hear you and I’m with you. Please reach out if you’d like to chat.
It’s always tough sharing vulnerably and I tend to get somewhat of a vulnerability hangover after I have, but your responses have made it worth it. They’ve also shown me how far I have come in this process and my hope is to share that possibility with you. To let you know you WILL be okay and it WILL pass and some days are harder than others but life is really beautiful when you let go of what you’re not meant to be holding onto.
Caroline Myss describes attachment as “Holding onto something or someone that did not belong to you in the first place”. I write about attachment in detail in my book (order it here), but this quote resonated deeply with me. The reason for the struggle can sometimes be in holding on so damn tight.
The question I keep being asked is “How?” How do you move through the pain? How do you get up in the morning? How do you not reach out to the person? How do you move on?
I hate to break it to you, loves, but the only way out is through.
Lean into those who enhance your spirit.
The same way we are always moving towards love or moving towards fear, we are always in a relationship with someone who enhances our spirit or depletes it (whether that is a romantic relationship, friendship or acquaintance). Right now, you need to be with those who enhance it. They might not get what you are going through and it’s not their job to, but they support you and love you through it. You don’t leave spaces with them feeling worse than when you went into them. Stick with the people that love you endlessly right now. You have them. Even just one person who can hold space for you – lean into that person. In that, also know that you are the only person who is going to make this better and I promise you have the power to do it, even if it doesn’t feel like you do right now.
Radical Self-Care
Need to go on that trip? Do it. Need to cancel plans because you cannot be around some people right now? Cancel them. Need to get out of the house and go meet up with people? Make it happen. Radical self-care right now. Do whatever feels best for you. It was so hard for me to tell people I couldn’t do things I had committed to doing, but there were some days where I was breaking down and I just couldn’t be around people. I don’t regret taking any of those days to myself. That being said, ask yourself, “What is the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment” to ensure you aren’t isolating. Isolating never helps.
Stay in the moment and stop betraying yourself.
It is so easy to reach out to the person you are trying to keep space from when you are terrified that this means you won’t ever speak again. We want “closure” or “answers”. I can guarantee you that if you were in a relationship that ended you were betraying yourself in some way in that relationship. Maybe you were settling for the behavior you thought was something you could live with. Maybe, your own codependency has really come out and needs to be looked at. Maybe, the other person has convinced you that you are the problem. Whatever it is, you have likely taken stuff on that isn’t yours and made decisions along the way that were not healthy or loving for you. I certainly did. We all have an inner child and its time for your adult to take care of that child. It’s okay if you slip and reach out or something happens. Learn from it and move forward. Own that YOU ARE WORTHY of a love that is meant for you. You are worthy of your own love and integrity and you are worthy of being true to yourself. You will no longer betray yourself. Ritualize this vow if you need to, but write it down and keep it at the forefront.
There is this saying in recovery that “the soberer you get, the drunker you were”. This has been my experience in recovering from heart-break – the further from the relationship I get, the more toxic I realize it was.
The first step is to become aware that these are unhealthy attachments coming out. The second is to accept that you might not get them and that there is a reason that person couldn’t give you what you needed. The third is that just in this moment, don’t reach out. Just right now. Not forever, not even for the whole day, just for right now. Stay present.
Put your focus back on yourself
My mentor said to me a couple of years ago, and I didn’t get it then, that I needed to detach from my ex and attach to myself. I get that now. I needed to let go of control. I needed to focus on me. Guess what happened when I did? I keep manifesting incredible things in my life. When we focus on us and what is best for us, we allow more good. When we focus on the bad and hold onto something that is no longer serving us or is straight-up super unhealthy, we don’t make room for the good. Like radical self-care, do what feels best for you right now. Take a class, take a trip, join a gym – you do you.
Dive in.
I left this one for down the list, but it is the most important thing I will say to you. YOUR FEELINGS WILL NOT KILL YOU. I PROMISE. Avoiding them by drinking too much, binge-eating, never being alone or any other form of escaping will not help you. If you want to move through this as quick as possible, you have to move through it. It sucks. It is painful. But then, it gets better. And there are more good days and fewer bad days. And then only a couple of bad hours here and there. Get curious about what is underneath. Allow yourself to grieve. You have experienced a major loss and its okay to be angry, sad, crushed, devastated, raging – whatever you’re feeling. Feel it. Have cathartic cries. Listen to the songs that hit you in the soul. Feel your feelings. Don’t sit in the suffering, but become comfortable in the discomfort. Allow yourself to flow with the feelings. They are there for a reason. The relationship was significant and that means it is important to grieve.
In that, I can make some recommendations on what I did.
I also read all of the books and listened to all of the podcasts…
Brene Brown – Rising Strong
This book is so wonderful if you are in the midst of any struggle. It tells us that we are the brave ones for loving in the first place – for trying. That there are a few stages we will inevitably go through when we fall and how to rise back up. I loved it.
When Things Fall Apart – Pema Chodron
A little more spiritual, but super beautiful. I highly recommend it for learning what to do and to shift the perspective of loss.
The Power of Now - Eckhart Tolle
A favorite of mine on how to stay present and embrace the moment.
Podcast:
Oprah, Super Soul Conversations
Brene Brown: Rising StrongCaroline Myss: Finding your purpose
Honestly, any of them that speak to you. I love this podcast.
And finally, I amped up my daily practice.
I always speak to you about how important a daily routine is. When you are going through anything tough, ramp it up. I journaled, meditated and prayed more than I ever have. I went deep. I am looking at parts of myself that I had buried and I am learning from this experience.
Help someone else. If you need to get out of yourself, ask the universe how you can be of use, just for today. Ask it to guide you, heal you, love you and use you to be of use in the world. It is the quickest way to get out of your own pain.
I love you and I am here for you.
Dani xx