If you saw my post on Sunday, you will know that some things are going really well in my life right now. I say this so that people know it can get so much better and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Happiness is a strange thing. It is what everyone always says they want in life, to be happy. What do you want for your kids? You want them to be happy. What do you want when you grow up? You want to be happy. Except for me, happiness comes with a hell of a lot of fear. Because what happens when we get everything we have ever hoped for? We can lose it; and that scares the shit out of me.
For a long time, as soon as I really let myself feel happy, the rug would be pulled out from under me. I felt out of control of my circumstances, and the need for control is one of my biggest addictions. With that need has come my addiction to suffering.
When I am feeling good, I know it won’t last forever. Part of me then knows that I need to enjoy the present moment and the joy I am currently experiencing. Part of me wants to sabotage, because if it’s going to happen anyways, I might as well be in control of the suffering, right?
So, what do I do? I look for all of the ways these beautiful new experiences could end and I tell myself in depth stories about how I will get hurt and things won’t work out and that this is all too hard or too much. These stories keep me in fear and pull me directly out of alignment with what I know to be true and with myself.
This need to control my suffering comes from fear that things won’t work out the way I want them to. The thing is, if everything in my life worked out the way I thought I wanted them to, I probably would be pretty miserable right now. That’s where the whole faith over fear thing comes in – I really have to have faith that things are working out for my best interest. By sabotaging the really good things happening ahead of time, all I am doing is missing the happy moments and the joy.
How am I moving through it?
Writing. It always comes back to writing for me. When I let the thoughts pour out of my on the page, I get to look at what is going on with me in a different way. I get to look at the insanity of my thoughts and really help uncover the truth of what is underneath it.
What has that looked like?
Realizing that I still have so much fear about being unlovable and that if you know the real me, you won’t love me. I still have a pretty deep wiring that I am not enough. I still have so much fear that I will fail. And you know, that’s okay. Because there are way more good days than bad days now when it comes to this stuff and I know it’s not going to be let go all at once. It will be released over time, by being willing to really look at it.
It means learning that thoughts are thoughts and stories are stories, but I have to look at the truth and facts of the situation. The truth and facts tell me that things are going well right now and there is nothing to say they won’t continue that way. It means reminding myself to choose faith over fear, to choose love over fear. It means radical self-care. And by radical self-care I mean taking the time to go to my therapist who I am lucky to have, moving my body so old trauma that is surfacing doesn’t stay stagnant, and letting myself feel the feelings that are coming up. It means resting, saying no to what isn’t working and saying yes to what is.
Self-sabotage is tricky to navigate, but as most things, the first step has been realizing this is a huge default of mine. It is much easier to give up on your dream job or to not go back to school or to give up on relationships before they don’t work out, right? It’s safe that way and it will ensure I don’t get hurt. Except, I don’t want to live that way. I don’t want to sabotage a good thing because I am afraid of being hurt. I want to feel what I am feeling and let go of it so I can be healthy and happy. And I don’t want to be afraid of being happy.
Control can be an illusion and I always come back to that I can only focus on me. I can’t control what someone else does, whether that be a client, friendship or relationship. I can keep working on being the most aligned, authentic and healthy version of myself to attract what and who I am supposed to. From that space, I can trust in the magic of it all. I can trust that I am right where I am supposed to be.
Today, I am choosing joy. I am choosing love over fear. I am choosing to challenge my old stories to create new ones.